Long post ahead.- Najib
Early December last year, I was invited to go to Notre Dame for the annual ‘Jokes That Arent Funny At All Battle’. I was truly honoured. Banar. So when I got there, nobody smiled at me like people do in Brunei. I was okay with that, at least I know there’s no smiling retards.
The battle soon started. First off was this African dude, !xobile. With full of confidence, he said:
“banyak-banyak burger, burger apa warna hijau? *pause* BURGERlugut!”
I shook my head, my self esteem was crushed. I was astonished by his joke. People from different countries spat out their jokes after !xobile. Some were funny, some were bullcrap. Then this petite girl went to the front. Chin up, trying her best to look tall (it was obvious thanks to her bright red 3inch heels). She was wearing an orange watch just so you know. That was all that I remembered, besides from her size. So she said,
“yo mama so fat, one more wrinkle she could be a prune”
The crowd went bizarre. People thought she would clinch the title. Feeling intimidated by the petite human being, I stepped up to the front. I stared at her, but not for too long, takut ya tepikat lah. Skali I gave my best shot and said,
“you so ugly, you redefined the word ‘ugly’.”
I nailed it. It was lame, but the crowd loved it. The girl was.. wait for it.. Burned. Word.
As a prize, I got a ticket to the Safari. There, I met a lot of my friends, Simba, Dumbo, The dude from emperor’s new groove, Donkey Kong and etc. Then I met Pumba. He was depressed. He just found out Timon wasn’t gay. So we had a little walk, I was giving him some brotherly advice. But while we were having a walk, the ground felt shaky and loud thumps was heard. I looked back, there was a stampede. Pumba sprinted his way to safety leaving me behind all alone. I had no choice but to climb on top of a tree, so I did. That didn’t help much, though. The tree felt like it was going to break any moment.
It was then I saw a flying carpet coming my way. I jumped on it and I was saved from the stampede.
On the carpet was Alladin and Jasmine. They were going back to the palace in India.
They were singing ‘a whole new woorrrrllldddd. A deadly feast I never knew…’
I knew the words to the song, so I sang along. But after a second or so, i was hit at the back of my head and the next I know, I was falling to the ground, with increasing velocity while gaining kinetic energy on my way. I guess Aladdin didn’t like my singing.
When I reached the ground, I bounced several times before laying flat on the ground. Thanks god for big tummies. I found myself lying near the Great wall of China. When I woke up, I saw Mushu my long lost brother from another mother. He introduced me to Mulan. She was clearly hitting on me, I swear.
So Mushu and I went to GEEANT(apparently the Chinese version of GIANT) to get something to eat. On the way to get the food, I was distracted by this starship trooper action figure. I pressed the red button on its right arm and it spoke
‘do infinite and beyond’ or something like that. The toy spoke. Holy shit. I thought it had magical powers or something, so I told him how an adorably-goodlooking Bruneian got to GEEANT.
“I want to go home,” I said.
The toy replied,
“I can help you. My name’s Buzz Lightyear FYI. Rub my right ass cheek and your wish is my command”
So I did what he told me to. But seriously, my ass felt better. With buzz lightyear in my hand, I was sort-of teleported to this colourful world. There I saw this round dude, literally round.
“OMG OMG OMG ITS ROLIE POLIE OLLIE! HOMAIGAD! I CANT BELIEVE WHAT IM SEEING” slipped outta my mouth. I didn’t mean all that. I swear.
Pissed, I threw Buzz Lightyear away. I walked for a few miles, ignoring those walking polygons around me. Then I found the big book of everything on the floor. I searched for ‘home’ and thankfully, it was there. So I sang
“Itssss theeee greatbigbookofeverythingwitheverythinginside, see the world around us, this book’s a perfect guide.”
And then poof, I was in front of my house. I walked towards my front door until I saw this bangau on my yard. I was like,
“bangau oh bangau mengapa kau sini”
It replied,
“macam mana aku tak sini, enggg-
I threw a slipper at it before it could finish. It accidentally swallowed the slipper and couldn’t even say a word. Poor bird-flu-emitting animal. So I got into my room and decided, four months after that day, I would blog about it.
The end,
SiNajibsukadisney.
ps; Disney for the win
pps; im hungry, as always
